DEHYPE ADVERTISING CLINIC, PHARMA DIVISION.

In the interest of improving advertising, an industry that has given me so much, I frequently offer my services on a pro bono basis. A week or so ago, I came across a new ad in the New Yorker magazine for the arthritis pain medication Celebrex, which recently returned to active marketing after a hiatus. Though I have not been asked to do so, I offer herewith some suggested addtional copy for the Celebrex ad I saw. As the direct marketers say, the more you tell, the more you sell. And, I submit, this language will help fulfill the modern communications tenet currently in vogue in advertising and in some news organizations: "Anything Goes, if You Disclose."

My proposed additions appear in green:

CELEBREX is one of the most studied arthritis medicines on the market. But you should know that CELEBREX, like all medicines, has both risks and benefits. Which we discovered well after we started the big advertising campaign starring Dorothy Hammill. It’s important to talk to your doctor about treatment options to find out which one is right for you. You probably ought not to mention CELEBREX to your doctor, or any other drug, since, in all fairness we have to admit, unless you’re a doctor yourself, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Advertising is the worst reason to choose which drug to prescribe, even though it’s been working great for us. Your doctor may also recommend other kinds of treatments. We spend a helluva lot of money to get her to think of CELEBREX first, but it can happen.

Important information: CELEBREX may increase the chance of a heart attack or stroke that can lead to death. It should not be used right before or after certain heart surgeries. Serious skin reactions or stomach and intestine problems such as bleeding and ulcers can occur without warning and may cause death. But, don’t worry, none of these, er, possibilities, now pretty much proven risks, can keep us from advertising this drug.